...

I wake up early
I get ready for work
I think about the happenings of last night
and I laugh.


I cannot stop laughing.


This is a good sign.

Grey/Gray

Something has been slowly brewing on the stove, and has gone bad. It does not smell good. Even the weather has noticed it: cold and cloudy and grey. Grey in the sense of the smell, bland, not like a cold winter's day that smells like winter, no, the air smells like sadness. And for once, it is not my own sadness that I smell.

Love is simple. So simple that it is difficult. There are two kinds of love. Emotional/physical love, the one we all usually feel, and then there is the spiritual love. This last love is much different. It is the unconditional love that we have for everything and everyone. It is constantly flowing through us. It is not the love we feel from "being in love" it is the love that JUST IS.

I have learned of this love over the past year. My ego has been put aside and I have looked within. Granted, someone helped me see this love, but they are not the reason for it, nor did they know what they were helping me with.

Loving someone is an amazing feeling, but feeling love even when that person is no longer there is even more amazing.

I know he loves/loved me. And I love him, too. But more than that emotional/physical love I feel for/from him, I AM love.

When you can shut your mind off and completely follow your heart, you will be amazed at what it is telling you.

Why would your spiritual heart tell you something so different than your mind? And why wouldn't you follow your heart over your ego? The heart knows what it needs, what it wants, what it is. Your head is just there to fuck it all up, make you take a different path and then you hurt over your decisions.

Life is this amazing gift we are given, and it should not be wasted THINKING about what you might do with it, but instead just doing it. Head vs. Heart

JUST BE and BE LOVE.

Lauren Valladares Quote of the Day.

This one isn't a quote, but a beautiful picture of Lauren, taken last week during the rain.
She was going to get her lunch and didn't want to get wet!



FYI: the hood is made out of extra trash bag from the bottom.
Lauren is so clever.

Pictures.

They are kinda random, but that's okay!

A sigh of relief.

I feel good.
I can honestly say that I am happy.

I wake up and smile again. No more anxiety at the first breath of day. No more feeling of complete emptiness.
I still miss him, very much actually, but I am very happy without him. I do not wake up thinking "That was a horrible dream... oh wait, that wasn't a dream, that really happened".

Somehow, a page was turned, and I didn't realize it until just now.
I guess it's a good thing that it happened so seamlessly, because I don't know how accepting I would have been had I known it was happening.

But I am happy. And I feel good.

MAMMOTH.

Some friends and I are going to Mammoth in a couple of days and I can't wait. It has been a little over a year since I last went up there, or went skiing in general!

Today, however, I was thinking about it, and this time going to Mammoth, will be the first time I will go WITHOUT Tim.
I have never been to Mammoth without him, or skiing in the United States without him, for that matter.

I am really excited, and nervous about this. I know that I will have an amazing time with al my friends, that is for sure. But I am kind of sad that I won't have my ski buddy with me.

Oh well, this is the time for me to experience new things, and make new ski buddies ;] Lauren and Dana!

Here is a picture from my last ski trip to Mammoth with Tim.

Sanity, do not leave me.

As I count the endless minutes down here in this dungeon called SC-2, I contemplate suicide. This solitary confinement in here is worse than the deepest depths of Mordor. Actually, no, I would rather be on some journey risking my life in the darkest parts surrounding Mt. Doom, than here standing alone waiting for my sanity to slowly slip out through my ears like a ribbon of smoke gracefully flipping me the bird.

People walk by and see the sadness that is ME behind the counter and say to themselves, "maybe we'll come back later..." and so I am left alone. Alone with thoughts I would rather never think, but have no choice in the matter.

I try to imagine myself doing something else.
I try to daydream...
I am on a journey sailing around the world with all of my friends, or maybe I am taking a nap under the sun in the park, or flying a kite, shit, I would settle for just being up at the other store right now having some bullshit conversation about hooking up with some boy.

But no.

Obviously someone out there wants me to suffer. Suffer a slow and painful day, that will lead to sore feet and a tight back and maybe even some tears.
In six hours, when I can finally give the big FUCK YOU to my 10-6 shift and go home, I will be so void of any emotion that my evening will not even be worth staying awake for.

The only positive thought I can think of is that I only have two more days in the month of January that I have endure this pain down here at SC-2.



End Note: I do not really hate my job, in fact, for a job in a retail store, I shouldn't be complaining. Just being alone at a very slow store for eight hours can be a mind fuck. I have learned many things about myself, like the fact that I will never kill a man in a very violent manner, because I know I could not handle solitary confinement in a HIGH security prison!
Also, I am not suicidal. I only feel that death may be more pleasant than this shift, some times.