Fear has its uses but cowardice has none.
-Mahatma Gandhi
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
The only thing open is the Hospital.
I want this. The warmth, the love, the innocence, the sunny California life.
One day.
Maybe when I'm a big girl.
But until then...
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Smoking or non-smoking?
I stumbled upon these photographs by Frieke Janssens. I really like them. Seeing normally adult smoking styles portrayed by a child is really neat.
And don't worry, the kids aren't really smoking. She took pictures with the children playing with incense, then took pictures with the children holding the imitation cigarettes, then photoshopped the smokey ones with the non-smoking ones.
And don't worry, the kids aren't really smoking. She took pictures with the children playing with incense, then took pictures with the children holding the imitation cigarettes, then photoshopped the smokey ones with the non-smoking ones.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Happiness.
There is nothing to be sad about.
You are alive. You are young. People love you.
Feelings of sadness or hatred or betrayal or anger should only be temporary expressions to describe a finite moment in time, that, guess what... will be over before you even have time to blink your eyes.
Why do you think babies are always smiling, even though they have no clue what is going on around them? Because Happiness is the constant feeling we live with. The others are just a little spice in our life, but they don't last.
So smile! It is worth it.
You are alive. You are young. People love you.
Feelings of sadness or hatred or betrayal or anger should only be temporary expressions to describe a finite moment in time, that, guess what... will be over before you even have time to blink your eyes.
Why do you think babies are always smiling, even though they have no clue what is going on around them? Because Happiness is the constant feeling we live with. The others are just a little spice in our life, but they don't last.
So smile! It is worth it.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Face
A circle is round,
It has no end,
That's how long I want to be your friend!
One thing that makes me very happy, is when an old friend comes back to town, and our friendship is still as exciting as it was the day it started.
It has no end,
That's how long I want to be your friend!
One thing that makes me very happy, is when an old friend comes back to town, and our friendship is still as exciting as it was the day it started.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Ramblings... sorry.
Today has been a somewhat emotional day for me. I woke up early to study, more. I shouldn't have put off so much studying until so late, especially on subject matter I was not so familiar with. My math test was miserable. I left so disappointed in myself. I know I am the only one to blame, and I am punishing myself, maybe a little too much. Oh well, what's done is done. The next chapter that we will be tested on I know much better, and I am getting and early start on the studying. (I say that now)
I came home right after math. I did not go to my environmental class. I was so burnt out to even think straight. I got home, and decided "Today, since I have failed in math, and failed in participating in my environmental lecture, I will not fail at other aspects of my life" So I made a TO-DO list, and guess what? I did it. I went through a years worth of bank statements, pay stubs, and junk mail. I organized all of my keepsakes for when I am old. I cleaned up from my weekend. I did three loads of laundry and put away all of my clothes. I returned the few vinyls I had borrowed from Nancy, and I finally let go, of Flag Bear. The last thing I was holding onto.
While I was cleaning out things, I found old letters, and they didn't make me sad like they used to. I cried reading them, but not out of sadness or loneliness, but out of Love. I just felt happy that I knew someone who treated me with so much compassion and love. I feel very lucky when I think about things. I have been bitter for so long, because I never understood the reasons for things ending, and I don't think I ever will. But the bitterness is uncalled for. I shouldn't make something that was so sweet into a sour memory. Because the truth is, the memories are anything but sour.
As I reach the end of my current adventure, and anticipate the beginning of a new one, I am filled with a happiness I have not known in a very long time. It makes me happy to know this feeling again.
Happy to be happy.
It's kinda funny. How things turn out. Different than expected, yet somewhat the same.
I came home right after math. I did not go to my environmental class. I was so burnt out to even think straight. I got home, and decided "Today, since I have failed in math, and failed in participating in my environmental lecture, I will not fail at other aspects of my life" So I made a TO-DO list, and guess what? I did it. I went through a years worth of bank statements, pay stubs, and junk mail. I organized all of my keepsakes for when I am old. I cleaned up from my weekend. I did three loads of laundry and put away all of my clothes. I returned the few vinyls I had borrowed from Nancy, and I finally let go, of Flag Bear. The last thing I was holding onto.
While I was cleaning out things, I found old letters, and they didn't make me sad like they used to. I cried reading them, but not out of sadness or loneliness, but out of Love. I just felt happy that I knew someone who treated me with so much compassion and love. I feel very lucky when I think about things. I have been bitter for so long, because I never understood the reasons for things ending, and I don't think I ever will. But the bitterness is uncalled for. I shouldn't make something that was so sweet into a sour memory. Because the truth is, the memories are anything but sour.
As I reach the end of my current adventure, and anticipate the beginning of a new one, I am filled with a happiness I have not known in a very long time. It makes me happy to know this feeling again.
Happy to be happy.
It's kinda funny. How things turn out. Different than expected, yet somewhat the same.
And release
I finally did it.
Something I should have done a long time ago.
Goodbye to what is, now, just a memory.
I love you.
Something I should have done a long time ago.
Goodbye to what is, now, just a memory.
I love you.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Where do the words go?
Sometimes, I have so many feelings inside of me, and I want to be able to share them, or even express them verbally, but then they just fade away like they are becoming more and more diluted the closer they come to my mouth.
I feel the same way about writing papers for school. I know so much information on the subject that I am writing about, and If you asked me to explain it to you, I could, but when it comes to translating my thoughts/voice into written words, I just fail miserably. It all comes out as a jumbled up, unorganized, desperate for a C paper.
I HATE IT. I hate it because I know that I know more than what I expressed in the paper. No matter what I do, to organize my thoughts pre final draft, it still comes out a disappointment.
I have been putting off my Environmental Hazards to Health research papers all semester. Mainly because pre-calculus has taken over my life (not only am I learning new things, but I have to re-learn basic algebra and trig), but I have also been putting the papers off because I hate turning in SHITTY papers, especially to a teacher who knows what I am capable of (I've had her for three years now). The topics are all interesting, and I do all the research for them, but I just haven't had the courage to write down my thoughts on the matters.
Sometimes, ranting on here about an academic issue I am having helps to clear my mind of nonsense, so I can then write a better paper for school, and other times, it just makes it harder.
Oh well, they say practice makes perfect, so I better get to practicing.
I feel the same way about writing papers for school. I know so much information on the subject that I am writing about, and If you asked me to explain it to you, I could, but when it comes to translating my thoughts/voice into written words, I just fail miserably. It all comes out as a jumbled up, unorganized, desperate for a C paper.
I HATE IT. I hate it because I know that I know more than what I expressed in the paper. No matter what I do, to organize my thoughts pre final draft, it still comes out a disappointment.
I have been putting off my Environmental Hazards to Health research papers all semester. Mainly because pre-calculus has taken over my life (not only am I learning new things, but I have to re-learn basic algebra and trig), but I have also been putting the papers off because I hate turning in SHITTY papers, especially to a teacher who knows what I am capable of (I've had her for three years now). The topics are all interesting, and I do all the research for them, but I just haven't had the courage to write down my thoughts on the matters.
Sometimes, ranting on here about an academic issue I am having helps to clear my mind of nonsense, so I can then write a better paper for school, and other times, it just makes it harder.
Oh well, they say practice makes perfect, so I better get to practicing.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Inspiration.
Every once in a while, I think about the people who inspire me to be my best.
Most people would say one of their parents, or someone famous who is now long gone, but I won't. Not that I do not look up to my parents, they are great people, but they are not the inspiration behind my goals. Someone who is famous, and maybe did some great work in their life and had a few good quotes is not someone I'm looking to when the going gets tough either. NOT ME.
The people who inspire me are the people I surround myself with in my everyday life. I see them working hard to overcome their own hurdles in life, and do it without fear. These are the people who inspire me.
I am not saying all of my friends inspire me... not at all, some of them in fact are huge disappointments in my opinion. There are, however, a golden few, who truly make me excited to achieve even half of what they have.
I look at how much they have grown and I want to do just as well as them, or maybe even better. And I know if they can do it so can I.
People who love to learn and grow and share ideas. People who want to do well in their lives and know THEY did it themselves, those are who inspire me.
Most people would say one of their parents, or someone famous who is now long gone, but I won't. Not that I do not look up to my parents, they are great people, but they are not the inspiration behind my goals. Someone who is famous, and maybe did some great work in their life and had a few good quotes is not someone I'm looking to when the going gets tough either. NOT ME.
The people who inspire me are the people I surround myself with in my everyday life. I see them working hard to overcome their own hurdles in life, and do it without fear. These are the people who inspire me.
I am not saying all of my friends inspire me... not at all, some of them in fact are huge disappointments in my opinion. There are, however, a golden few, who truly make me excited to achieve even half of what they have.
I look at how much they have grown and I want to do just as well as them, or maybe even better. And I know if they can do it so can I.
People who love to learn and grow and share ideas. People who want to do well in their lives and know THEY did it themselves, those are who inspire me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
october 26th is no longer a good day in history.
I love getting that call from a friend I haven't talked to in years, and we used to be really close, and do everything together, then I come to find out, they are calling to get another friends number... and that is all. Not even a "Hey how are you?" Just a "Can I get so and so's number?" Ya sure here it is.
Also, Happy Birthday to someone I used to know.
Also, Happy Birthday to someone I used to know.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Time.
If you move fast enough, and I mean faster than sound and light and most things we can kind of wrap our heads around, I am told then and only then, you can "out run" time.
It's hard to explain, because it is pretty much impossible (because of our lack of the proper technology) but theoretically it is possible. Basically, if you go fast enough, you will go faster than time.
Time is also moving, but at a constant rate, that never changes, but time isn't a real thing, it is just a unit of measurement that we have created, like an inch or a kilogram. So our time line of time is always going the same "speed" so technically all we need to do is go faster than time.
Speed is already a graph of its own, it is a measurement of distance vs. time: How far do you move in a specific amount of time.
SO, let's say you travel 100 miles in 1 second (fast, I know) but you start to accelerate, so now you are going 1,000 miles in 1 second, or 100 miles in some fraction of 1 second, now you start going even faster, let's say 100,000,000 miles in 1 second, or 100 miles in an even smaller fraction of 1 second. Technically Time can go to the infinitely small, but realistically it cannot, so if you go fast enough, you will be going that 100 miles in such a small fraction of 1 second that time cannot get any smaller and we will be going faster than time!
When they send astronauts into space, inside of the astronauts' ship, is a nuclear clock, and on earth is another nuclear clock, they are both set to exactly the same time, down to an infinitely small fraction of a second. Well when the astronauts come home, the clocks are compared, and they are no longer the same exact time. The difference is very small, but it is still a difference. The astronauts' clock was a few minutes 'younger' than the clock left on earth. Since getting a space ship into space takes pretty high speeds, the astronauts travel faster than time, at least a tiny bit, enough to make a difference on the clocks!
Pretty cool shit.
It's hard to explain, because it is pretty much impossible (because of our lack of the proper technology) but theoretically it is possible. Basically, if you go fast enough, you will go faster than time.
Time is also moving, but at a constant rate, that never changes, but time isn't a real thing, it is just a unit of measurement that we have created, like an inch or a kilogram. So our time line of time is always going the same "speed" so technically all we need to do is go faster than time.
Speed is already a graph of its own, it is a measurement of distance vs. time: How far do you move in a specific amount of time.
SO, let's say you travel 100 miles in 1 second (fast, I know) but you start to accelerate, so now you are going 1,000 miles in 1 second, or 100 miles in some fraction of 1 second, now you start going even faster, let's say 100,000,000 miles in 1 second, or 100 miles in an even smaller fraction of 1 second. Technically Time can go to the infinitely small, but realistically it cannot, so if you go fast enough, you will be going that 100 miles in such a small fraction of 1 second that time cannot get any smaller and we will be going faster than time!
When they send astronauts into space, inside of the astronauts' ship, is a nuclear clock, and on earth is another nuclear clock, they are both set to exactly the same time, down to an infinitely small fraction of a second. Well when the astronauts come home, the clocks are compared, and they are no longer the same exact time. The difference is very small, but it is still a difference. The astronauts' clock was a few minutes 'younger' than the clock left on earth. Since getting a space ship into space takes pretty high speeds, the astronauts travel faster than time, at least a tiny bit, enough to make a difference on the clocks!
Pretty cool shit.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Secret Dinner Society
Remnants of Thai night: some beautiful Thai basil and some spicy hot Thai chili's.
Good company, some new friends and some old, gathered to help make and enjoy a Thai dinner, oh and some Thai beers!!
Although Thai night did not go the way I originally planned it to go a little under two years ago, it was a very nice evening, and I think I am happier with how it turned out, then how I envisioned it some time ago.
The food needs some work, but it was not too disappointing. I had my favorite sous chef with me (I need to come up a new word for what to call Dana, because sous chef implies he is literally "below" me and he is not, he is beside me, but for lack of a better word, I will just say partner (which isn't a bad word, because that is exactly what we are in the kitchen: partners!))
I really enjoy cooking. I am not a master of things I make, but I always want to improve on what I do. And I love having Dana in the kitchen with me, because we are always giving each other feedback and bouncing new ideas off each other. It is so much fun. Even when the food I make isn't good, in my opinion, I am still happy.
I always say to people who don't like to cook that "if you like to eat you should at least know to cook"
I am always inspired by food, and I like that!
Good company, some new friends and some old, gathered to help make and enjoy a Thai dinner, oh and some Thai beers!!
Although Thai night did not go the way I originally planned it to go a little under two years ago, it was a very nice evening, and I think I am happier with how it turned out, then how I envisioned it some time ago.
The food needs some work, but it was not too disappointing. I had my favorite sous chef with me (I need to come up a new word for what to call Dana, because sous chef implies he is literally "below" me and he is not, he is beside me, but for lack of a better word, I will just say partner (which isn't a bad word, because that is exactly what we are in the kitchen: partners!))
I really enjoy cooking. I am not a master of things I make, but I always want to improve on what I do. And I love having Dana in the kitchen with me, because we are always giving each other feedback and bouncing new ideas off each other. It is so much fun. Even when the food I make isn't good, in my opinion, I am still happy.
I always say to people who don't like to cook that "if you like to eat you should at least know to cook"
I am always inspired by food, and I like that!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Lint is a shell's best friend.
My favorite person... and he/she isn't even a person.
Marcel the shell.
Marcel the shell.
Monday, September 26, 2011
California King.
I wish I had a giant bed, so we could all sleep together.
Sleeping alone is one of the worst kinds of lonely.
I don't know why people feel the need to spend more time alone the older they get.
Remember when you were little and you wanted to spend every second with your friends, and you beg to have a sleep over so you could be together for a little longer.
Now it seems like people don't want any human contact unless it is for work or sex, and that is sad.
Come to my house, sit with me. Lets share a bed, or at least a room. And not because we are too drunk to drive home, but because we are too tired to drive home and we are enjoying our company.
I used to get a stomach ache when my friends had to leave, or I had to leave them... A little secret, I still get that stomach ache.
I'm not saying I cannot be alone, but when I am with people and I like being with them, I don't want it to stop!
Sleeping alone is one of the worst kinds of lonely.
I don't know why people feel the need to spend more time alone the older they get.
Remember when you were little and you wanted to spend every second with your friends, and you beg to have a sleep over so you could be together for a little longer.
Now it seems like people don't want any human contact unless it is for work or sex, and that is sad.
Come to my house, sit with me. Lets share a bed, or at least a room. And not because we are too drunk to drive home, but because we are too tired to drive home and we are enjoying our company.
I used to get a stomach ache when my friends had to leave, or I had to leave them... A little secret, I still get that stomach ache.
I'm not saying I cannot be alone, but when I am with people and I like being with them, I don't want it to stop!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Strangers
I have fallen in love with a stranger again.
I know I will never see him again, but that's okay. The moment was enough.
He smelled really good and earthy, and was very calm in nature, and he was kind.
He also got my favorite smoothie from next door!
Sometimes I miss being in love, and other times, a moment is all I need.
Thank you stranger.
I know I will never see him again, but that's okay. The moment was enough.
He smelled really good and earthy, and was very calm in nature, and he was kind.
He also got my favorite smoothie from next door!
Sometimes I miss being in love, and other times, a moment is all I need.
Thank you stranger.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Things I think about.
Things I thought about today:
-I am very happy right now. I am usually happy, but am not always aware of it.
-I tell people I love them all the time, but not a lot of people say it to me.
-I saw Tim in his classroom today and smiled as I walked away, to this day he is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. I look at who I am now and I am thankful I knew him!
-School was worrying me, but I am back on top of my studies, so I am relieved.
-I also miss my bottle collection, but am unsure if it is rude to ask for it back.
My thoughts.
And now a quote from my favorite person to quote, Mark Twain:
"I never let my schooling interfere with my education"
-I am very happy right now. I am usually happy, but am not always aware of it.
-I tell people I love them all the time, but not a lot of people say it to me.
-I saw Tim in his classroom today and smiled as I walked away, to this day he is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. I look at who I am now and I am thankful I knew him!
-School was worrying me, but I am back on top of my studies, so I am relieved.
-I also miss my bottle collection, but am unsure if it is rude to ask for it back.
My thoughts.
And now a quote from my favorite person to quote, Mark Twain:
"I never let my schooling interfere with my education"
Monday, September 12, 2011
Ay Ay Ay.
I have so many things going through my head right now that I can't even focus on what things I am thinking about.
I have been so busy, and it has, so far, been a good thing. I have been able to do all the things I am requiring myself to do, and I am not too overwhelmed... Until tonight.
I have been working two jobs, 16 hour days on the weekends, and managing a full load of classes, along with staying active (soccer and running).
I finally cleaned my room this morning before work... kinda. So that's one thing off my list of things to do. But driving home from soccer (which I left for straight from work) I realized a few things: first thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to go home, at home I will be all alone while everyone else in my house sleeps and I will just sit there alone", the second thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to sleep alone, yet another night, sleeping without someone in the same room is very sad and hard for me to do and I wish I had a literal roommate" The third thought that popped into my head was "SHIT I have homework due tomorrow"
Now that I am home and opened up my assignment, the SHIT is even bigger, because it's a two page mini research/opinion paper that I have not done any work for and have no evidence to back any B.S. up with. So basically it is going to be a half assed paper. And on top of that I am wasting time typing on this stupid thing instead of looking up what I should be writing about.
I know that I am busy for a good reason, and I am really happy about the things to come, but I am very lonely in this quest, and I don't do so well lonely.
I always say there is a difference between loneliness and solitude, and right now I am most definitely lonely. I do hope all of this hard work will pay off.
PS. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and realized I look much older than I remember myself looking, and that made me sad. I am taking too long to do the things I want to do while I am still young.
Added notes: I thought I was done, but I am not done. It's funny, whenever I have a paper to write, I have the worst writers block for what I have to write, but then i just write on this shit blog to take my mind of homework for a second and the thoughts/words spew like food poisoning vomit. Why can't I think of the right words for a paper, that I actually am interested in?
OKAY OKAY... time to write my paper.
I have been so busy, and it has, so far, been a good thing. I have been able to do all the things I am requiring myself to do, and I am not too overwhelmed... Until tonight.
I have been working two jobs, 16 hour days on the weekends, and managing a full load of classes, along with staying active (soccer and running).
I finally cleaned my room this morning before work... kinda. So that's one thing off my list of things to do. But driving home from soccer (which I left for straight from work) I realized a few things: first thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to go home, at home I will be all alone while everyone else in my house sleeps and I will just sit there alone", the second thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to sleep alone, yet another night, sleeping without someone in the same room is very sad and hard for me to do and I wish I had a literal roommate" The third thought that popped into my head was "SHIT I have homework due tomorrow"
Now that I am home and opened up my assignment, the SHIT is even bigger, because it's a two page mini research/opinion paper that I have not done any work for and have no evidence to back any B.S. up with. So basically it is going to be a half assed paper. And on top of that I am wasting time typing on this stupid thing instead of looking up what I should be writing about.
I know that I am busy for a good reason, and I am really happy about the things to come, but I am very lonely in this quest, and I don't do so well lonely.
I always say there is a difference between loneliness and solitude, and right now I am most definitely lonely. I do hope all of this hard work will pay off.
PS. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and realized I look much older than I remember myself looking, and that made me sad. I am taking too long to do the things I want to do while I am still young.
Added notes: I thought I was done, but I am not done. It's funny, whenever I have a paper to write, I have the worst writers block for what I have to write, but then i just write on this shit blog to take my mind of homework for a second and the thoughts/words spew like food poisoning vomit. Why can't I think of the right words for a paper, that I actually am interested in?
OKAY OKAY... time to write my paper.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Touch Me.
I need a connection.
I need something deep but not permanent.
I just want a quick connection to satisfy this urge that I have.
I just want someone to walk by and take me over and then leave, but still be around somewhere in the distance so I can smile or wave at them and still be friends with them.
I feel like I am missing something and it's keeping me up at night.
I need to scream or something.
I need something deep but not permanent.
I just want a quick connection to satisfy this urge that I have.
I just want someone to walk by and take me over and then leave, but still be around somewhere in the distance so I can smile or wave at them and still be friends with them.
I feel like I am missing something and it's keeping me up at night.
I need to scream or something.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
TIM
Tim, but not the Tim I always mention. The other Tim.
Thanks Tim.
I ran three miles non-stop thanks to you. I also like soccer way more when you are playing with us. And I like texting you and FB chatting with you at the same time!
Thanks Tim.
I ran three miles non-stop thanks to you. I also like soccer way more when you are playing with us. And I like texting you and FB chatting with you at the same time!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Look forward.
Things I am looking forward to in the near future:
-Wednesday night 80's movie night with Cameron and Keenan.
-Cooking something new at least once a week.
-Entertaining others with food at least one night or morning a week.
-Finishing up STRONG at Saddleback.
-Applying to schools in Portland.
-Planning a move up North to Portland.
-Making driftwood mobiles.
-Working on my paper goods.
-Friends!!!
-Daily harvests from me and my dad's garden.
-Riding my newly fixed bicycle.
-Monday night soccer.
-Thursday night softball.
-Wednesday night 80's movie night with Cameron and Keenan.
-Cooking something new at least once a week.
-Entertaining others with food at least one night or morning a week.
-Finishing up STRONG at Saddleback.
-Applying to schools in Portland.
-Planning a move up North to Portland.
-Making driftwood mobiles.
-Working on my paper goods.
-Friends!!!
-Daily harvests from me and my dad's garden.
-Riding my newly fixed bicycle.
-Monday night soccer.
-Thursday night softball.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tripping.
I love it when I meet someone, or go somewhere and instantly connect, and just fall in love. It reminds me that trusting your instincts is a good thing. You just let go and BAM you feel full of excitement and joy.
I recently went on a trip up to Portland, Oregon and I fell in love. It was just what I needed to open my eyes and get excited about going to school and exploring new places. I have been in a rut lately and going to Portland helped me see that.
I have been looking into schools in the area, and also looking inside myself to really find out what I want to go to school for. The truth is I love almost any subject. The problem is, most people go to school for something that they want to do after school, but I don't want to necessarily do everything that I want to go to school for.
I know that I love plants, and I love learning about them and using them in designs. I also love environmental sciences and natural sciences, but I love learning history, too. I love math and sciences and I especially love geography. I love photography and ceramics, too. So now how do I decide what to commit to? I thought I had decided on horticulture, but now I'm not sure, granted, I don't want to stop learning about plants, but is that what I want to put al my energies into for the next two and a half years... or longer. Do I want to work in a nursery, or as a consultant for landscapers? I don't know. Do I want to teach people about plants, or should I just decide to study something else?
So now that I have this awesome destination for this next chapter of my life in mind, how do I pick a school and subject?
I am very scared that I will be unhappy with my choice, but then again, I know that school will always be there and I can always go back, or change my mind mid way through it.
I am so excited to move on in my life right now but first thing is first... finish Saddleback. I only have two classes left to take there. Math and English. Woohoo, I guess.
So here goes nothing.
I recently went on a trip up to Portland, Oregon and I fell in love. It was just what I needed to open my eyes and get excited about going to school and exploring new places. I have been in a rut lately and going to Portland helped me see that.
I have been looking into schools in the area, and also looking inside myself to really find out what I want to go to school for. The truth is I love almost any subject. The problem is, most people go to school for something that they want to do after school, but I don't want to necessarily do everything that I want to go to school for.
I know that I love plants, and I love learning about them and using them in designs. I also love environmental sciences and natural sciences, but I love learning history, too. I love math and sciences and I especially love geography. I love photography and ceramics, too. So now how do I decide what to commit to? I thought I had decided on horticulture, but now I'm not sure, granted, I don't want to stop learning about plants, but is that what I want to put al my energies into for the next two and a half years... or longer. Do I want to work in a nursery, or as a consultant for landscapers? I don't know. Do I want to teach people about plants, or should I just decide to study something else?
So now that I have this awesome destination for this next chapter of my life in mind, how do I pick a school and subject?
I am very scared that I will be unhappy with my choice, but then again, I know that school will always be there and I can always go back, or change my mind mid way through it.
I am so excited to move on in my life right now but first thing is first... finish Saddleback. I only have two classes left to take there. Math and English. Woohoo, I guess.
So here goes nothing.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Foods.
Here is a list of foods that I crave, but once I eat them feel dissatisfied:
-Pizza
-Frozen Yogurt
-Cereal
-Eggo Waffles
-Yogurt with granola... I always say "Next time I'll just eat the granola" but no.
-Dirty brand chips
-Sandwiches from Billy's Deli... I know I know, Billy's is the best, but I would rather just eat the cheese and pickles alone instead of the whole sandwich from there, I think I only like homemade sandwiches.
These are only the ones I can think of.
I have some horrible problem where I will think that one of these foods sounds good, eat it, and then feel either sick or just not satisfied at all. So I am going to start to try very hard to remind myself that eating these foods is not worth it and I should stop myself before I even start.
It's so funny to me how much I talk to myself, well in my head. But I am constantly either encouraging myself to do better or warning myself of things that I am about to do. For example, the whole time I am working out, I can't even listen to music because all I can think about is the voice in my head saying "don't stop, it doesn't really hurt, think about how good you will feel after"
I know this is a good thing and I'm pretty sure it is what most people call a conscience, but it just makes me laugh when I realize that I am actually just listening to myself.
-Pizza
-Frozen Yogurt
-Cereal
-Eggo Waffles
-Yogurt with granola... I always say "Next time I'll just eat the granola" but no.
-Dirty brand chips
-Sandwiches from Billy's Deli... I know I know, Billy's is the best, but I would rather just eat the cheese and pickles alone instead of the whole sandwich from there, I think I only like homemade sandwiches.
These are only the ones I can think of.
I have some horrible problem where I will think that one of these foods sounds good, eat it, and then feel either sick or just not satisfied at all. So I am going to start to try very hard to remind myself that eating these foods is not worth it and I should stop myself before I even start.
It's so funny to me how much I talk to myself, well in my head. But I am constantly either encouraging myself to do better or warning myself of things that I am about to do. For example, the whole time I am working out, I can't even listen to music because all I can think about is the voice in my head saying "don't stop, it doesn't really hurt, think about how good you will feel after"
I know this is a good thing and I'm pretty sure it is what most people call a conscience, but it just makes me laugh when I realize that I am actually just listening to myself.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Lauren Valladares Quote of the Day.
So this quote is from last week but it is a goodie!
"I feel like I'm gonna pinch one off."
(Setting: We are sitting at a park and Lauren got the urge to poo)
This word vomit that comes out of her mouth is one of the reasons why I effing love her.
"I feel like I'm gonna pinch one off."
(Setting: We are sitting at a park and Lauren got the urge to poo)
This word vomit that comes out of her mouth is one of the reasons why I effing love her.
Globes.
We have these amazing little globes at my work right now, and Lauren and I were having too much fun with them today!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Missing persons.
It is time for a little hermitage.
I am tired of being social and I am ready for some ME time.
I'm going on a trip up North to Portland in a month. That will be nice, and until then I want to relax and avoid all human contact. Unfortunately I have a social job, but once I am off the clock, I will fall off the face of the Earth until my next shift.
Please don't think I am ignoring you because I don't like you or am mad at you, I am ignoring you because I need to be alone.
See you when I see you.
I am tired of being social and I am ready for some ME time.
I'm going on a trip up North to Portland in a month. That will be nice, and until then I want to relax and avoid all human contact. Unfortunately I have a social job, but once I am off the clock, I will fall off the face of the Earth until my next shift.
Please don't think I am ignoring you because I don't like you or am mad at you, I am ignoring you because I need to be alone.
See you when I see you.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Photobooth.
Remember when you got your first laptop with a camera built on and you sat for hours taking photobooth pictures.
Well I rediscovered Photobooth:
Well I rediscovered Photobooth:
Monday, June 6, 2011
Songs.
This song came on Pandora today, and it reminded me of one particular night a few years back.
It was so strange seeing you after only a few months of being apart. It took a long time to relearn all the things I already knew about you and me. It was weird and fun.
I can't believe that you're knocking,
knocking on my door
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
I can't believe that you're knocking,
knocking on my door
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
Fate has a way of showing
on where you belong
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
Sound of my heart's stopping
A surprising stop
It's been so long, been so long
Time has a way of knowing
what we have is strong
Oh, it's been so long, been so long.
-Vetiver
It was so strange seeing you after only a few months of being apart. It took a long time to relearn all the things I already knew about you and me. It was weird and fun.
I can't believe that you're knocking,
knocking on my door
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
I can't believe that you're knocking,
knocking on my door
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
Fate has a way of showing
on where you belong
Oh, it's been so long, been so long
Sound of my heart's stopping
A surprising stop
It's been so long, been so long
Time has a way of knowing
what we have is strong
Oh, it's been so long, been so long.
-Vetiver
Sunday, June 5, 2011
3 MILES
I ran three miles today... without stopping to walk. Never in my life have I even run one mile without stopping.
I feel very proud.
I feel very proud.
Monday, May 30, 2011
DANACOOLGUY
Dana, don't forget about little us while you are off in the big world!
We're gonna miss you!
We're gonna miss you!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Today.
Everyday is a new adventure.
Everyday is a new thing learned.
Everyday is a chance to start over.
Everyday is new.
Everyday I will love you... But in a new way.
I will love you for you, not for me.
So everyday, wake up and be happy that it is a new day.
Everyday is a new thing learned.
Everyday is a chance to start over.
Everyday is new.
Everyday I will love you... But in a new way.
I will love you for you, not for me.
So everyday, wake up and be happy that it is a new day.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Intermediate Problem Solving.
Today was my first day in my summer school class: intermediate handbuilding, and let me just say, I am so intimidated.
All of my ten classmates are so talented, and have been playing with clay for so many years.
Our only assignment is to create our own assignment, pitch it to our teacher, and then work on it, along with a few small technical assignments.
Everyone else has been working on these amazing signature projects for years, so they are all set, but I am sitting there wondering "hmmm... no fucking clue what I'm going to work on."
And to top it off, the teacher expects us to make around 40 pieces in this month and a half class: "Shoot for 40 finished pieces for the semester"
I am really excited for this challenge ahead of me. My brain is going to get a nice stretching for the next 45 days.
Quotes of the day from class:
-"Art is a high form of self-education"
-"Human beings need to be productive"
-"Solving problems leads to creativity"
All of my ten classmates are so talented, and have been playing with clay for so many years.
Our only assignment is to create our own assignment, pitch it to our teacher, and then work on it, along with a few small technical assignments.
Everyone else has been working on these amazing signature projects for years, so they are all set, but I am sitting there wondering "hmmm... no fucking clue what I'm going to work on."
And to top it off, the teacher expects us to make around 40 pieces in this month and a half class: "Shoot for 40 finished pieces for the semester"
I am really excited for this challenge ahead of me. My brain is going to get a nice stretching for the next 45 days.
Quotes of the day from class:
-"Art is a high form of self-education"
-"Human beings need to be productive"
-"Solving problems leads to creativity"
Friday, May 20, 2011
Stranger Part 2.
Oh glorious Stranger,
You came back. I did not think I would ever see you again. And this second time around was just as amazing as the first time.
I am content with only knowing you as I do... as a momentary high, but if I ever see you again, I might want to know you more.
I am not greedy, but there could be something even more amazing than the few moments we have already shared.
Please come back.
You came back. I did not think I would ever see you again. And this second time around was just as amazing as the first time.
I am content with only knowing you as I do... as a momentary high, but if I ever see you again, I might want to know you more.
I am not greedy, but there could be something even more amazing than the few moments we have already shared.
Please come back.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Connect with me, please.
Someone once told me this amazing thing about the ocean, and until they told me this, I did not appreciate the ocean like I do today:
"the ocean is this amazing force. It is so strong that it makes perfect strangers know love. They are all different, but brought to the same place for the same reason: LOVE FOR THE OCEAN."
When ever I am near the ocean, or hear the waves break, I know I am not alone.
I hear and feel my Mother. She is the fluid motion that flows through my spirit.
It is hard for me to connect with anyone besides Tim on this matter. I am not sure if it is because i just haven't met the right people or if it is because we really are soul mates?
Side note: I have learned that SOUL MATES does not mean always together, always on the same wave length, always in
love. I have learned that SOUL MATES is pure understanding and forgiveness. You are my soul mate because I can fully forgive and understand you. I feel unconditional love for you no matter who you are and what you do, because in your mind, what you see is amazing...
You really are amazing.
Back to my thoughts though. The ocean is this anchor, where we all feel comfortable.
In ceramics, when I make something hollow, I listen just to hear the ocean. It is coforting to me. I think that the comfort I feel is due to the connection mother nature and I have.
But the whole point of this post is to vent about our loss of connection... Mother nature and I. I feel abandoned by her. I feel like with the people in my life who I share my life with, I feel no reciprocation. And yes this is selfish, but as a human, this yearning for acceptance and love is normal. And to NOT want these things is super human and weird.
So forgive me for feelig sorry for me... For one moment.
End note: I do not want to complain about my loss of connection with those who I love, but instead learn to be okay with who they are and who we are all becoming, together or separate.
I will learn.
"the ocean is this amazing force. It is so strong that it makes perfect strangers know love. They are all different, but brought to the same place for the same reason: LOVE FOR THE OCEAN."
When ever I am near the ocean, or hear the waves break, I know I am not alone.
I hear and feel my Mother. She is the fluid motion that flows through my spirit.
It is hard for me to connect with anyone besides Tim on this matter. I am not sure if it is because i just haven't met the right people or if it is because we really are soul mates?
Side note: I have learned that SOUL MATES does not mean always together, always on the same wave length, always in
love. I have learned that SOUL MATES is pure understanding and forgiveness. You are my soul mate because I can fully forgive and understand you. I feel unconditional love for you no matter who you are and what you do, because in your mind, what you see is amazing...
You really are amazing.
Back to my thoughts though. The ocean is this anchor, where we all feel comfortable.
In ceramics, when I make something hollow, I listen just to hear the ocean. It is coforting to me. I think that the comfort I feel is due to the connection mother nature and I have.
But the whole point of this post is to vent about our loss of connection... Mother nature and I. I feel abandoned by her. I feel like with the people in my life who I share my life with, I feel no reciprocation. And yes this is selfish, but as a human, this yearning for acceptance and love is normal. And to NOT want these things is super human and weird.
So forgive me for feelig sorry for me... For one moment.
End note: I do not want to complain about my loss of connection with those who I love, but instead learn to be okay with who they are and who we are all becoming, together or separate.
I will learn.
Monday, May 2, 2011
two be free.
To be torn in two directions...
Confusion fills my heart, and my head: one side of me chooses to be with nature, and solitude, and organic movement through arts and crafts, and music. The other side of me chooses constant company, constant recklessness, constant catering, constant comfort.
I try to imagine a balance, a cohesive mixture between the two, but the image that I see in my head is just a giant cluster of unhappy children being forced in a direction they don't wish to go.
If I am to truly speak what I want to see in my mind, I get scared, scared that if I say my dreams out loud, they will fall farther away from my reach then before.
...just let me take you all away, let me take you to a magical place where life is perfect and we are all there together in love.
Confusion fills my heart, and my head: one side of me chooses to be with nature, and solitude, and organic movement through arts and crafts, and music. The other side of me chooses constant company, constant recklessness, constant catering, constant comfort.
I try to imagine a balance, a cohesive mixture between the two, but the image that I see in my head is just a giant cluster of unhappy children being forced in a direction they don't wish to go.
If I am to truly speak what I want to see in my mind, I get scared, scared that if I say my dreams out loud, they will fall farther away from my reach then before.
...just let me take you all away, let me take you to a magical place where life is perfect and we are all there together in love.
MY FAVORITE PERSON'S BIRTHDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN VALLADARES!
22 years young, 22 years amazing, 22 years beautiful, 22 years creative, 22 years funny, 22 years stinky, 22 years horny.
I love you so much!
22 years young, 22 years amazing, 22 years beautiful, 22 years creative, 22 years funny, 22 years stinky, 22 years horny.
I love you so much!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Lonely Hearts Club.
I think that I am lonely.
I do not want to be apart from my friends.
They make me laugh, and smile, and think about things, but when the fun has to end, I get sad.
Mark Twain said "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself"
But I am comfortable with myself.
I just enjoy being in the company of the people I love. Even if we aren't doing anything. I just feel all warm and fuzzy when I am with them.
I hate Sundays, and not because Mondays bring with them work and school, but because they bring work and school to others, so we can't all be together like we were over the weekend.
I wish we all lived in a giant house together. So that I could wake up and smile knowing that when I get out of my room, I might run into someone in the hall way on my way to the bathroom and giggle at them for wearing stupid pajamas, or I could go downstairs and make someone breakfast. Or I could sit down and do homework across the table from someone else doing homework, or I could sit on the couch and watch a funny video on the internet with someone and we could both crack up, and then share it with everyone else we live with throughout the day, and then laugh at it for the following days. I wish I could just be a door away from love and laughs and fights and looks and smiles and tears and tension and everything in between. I wish I was a door away from being with people who don't need me to explain myself, and I don't need them to explain themselves. We just are friends and we know that we are all in love and that life is good when we are together.
When I think of things like this, I just get bummed that it isn't my reality.
Here's a secret: I love waking up cold on the floor, after a night of drinking and fun, and looking over to whoever is passed out on the couch and just laughing. And I can't wait for them to wake up so we can both be awake and giddy with friendship together. It is one of my favorite things.
I am so afraid of growing up, because I don't think that these things will ever happen then. Everyone will have their own lives that don't include the same friendships that our lives hold now.
Please, can we all stay in our 20's with no real responsibilities forever. Can we be friends like this forever. Please.
If I could sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads, I think I would.
I do not want to be apart from my friends.
They make me laugh, and smile, and think about things, but when the fun has to end, I get sad.
Mark Twain said "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself"
But I am comfortable with myself.
I just enjoy being in the company of the people I love. Even if we aren't doing anything. I just feel all warm and fuzzy when I am with them.
I hate Sundays, and not because Mondays bring with them work and school, but because they bring work and school to others, so we can't all be together like we were over the weekend.
I wish we all lived in a giant house together. So that I could wake up and smile knowing that when I get out of my room, I might run into someone in the hall way on my way to the bathroom and giggle at them for wearing stupid pajamas, or I could go downstairs and make someone breakfast. Or I could sit down and do homework across the table from someone else doing homework, or I could sit on the couch and watch a funny video on the internet with someone and we could both crack up, and then share it with everyone else we live with throughout the day, and then laugh at it for the following days. I wish I could just be a door away from love and laughs and fights and looks and smiles and tears and tension and everything in between. I wish I was a door away from being with people who don't need me to explain myself, and I don't need them to explain themselves. We just are friends and we know that we are all in love and that life is good when we are together.
When I think of things like this, I just get bummed that it isn't my reality.
Here's a secret: I love waking up cold on the floor, after a night of drinking and fun, and looking over to whoever is passed out on the couch and just laughing. And I can't wait for them to wake up so we can both be awake and giddy with friendship together. It is one of my favorite things.
I am so afraid of growing up, because I don't think that these things will ever happen then. Everyone will have their own lives that don't include the same friendships that our lives hold now.
Please, can we all stay in our 20's with no real responsibilities forever. Can we be friends like this forever. Please.
If I could sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads, I think I would.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Ceramics and a Couple of Questions.
I do not think you are one bit interested in me anymore... I am relieved.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
ART.
All of these are by Carrie Chau. She is one of my favorite artists. Her paintings make me smile, and they remind me of my childhood with all of the fantasy, innocence, and anxieties that come with being young.
Monday, April 4, 2011
In an Aeroplane.
I know that we are free. Free to live our lives and free to be ourselves. But for the longest time, I did not want to be free from you. I wanted to love and be committed to you for as long as my heart was pumping.
I still love you, but now, I can love you freely. A love I have never given you.
I now know that I no longer WANT you. What I want is for you to be happy in your life. What I want is for me to be happy in my life.
I have fully let you go and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Whether you feel it, whether you notice it, I am free from you.
I am HAPPY! I am LOVE! I am FREE!
"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all"
-Neutral Milk Hotel.
I still love you, but now, I can love you freely. A love I have never given you.
I now know that I no longer WANT you. What I want is for you to be happy in your life. What I want is for me to be happy in my life.
I have fully let you go and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Whether you feel it, whether you notice it, I am free from you.
I am HAPPY! I am LOVE! I am FREE!
"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all"
-Neutral Milk Hotel.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Conversation with CLAUDIA.
Haleigh: Hi Claudia
Claudia: Hi
H: Did you get a hair cut?
C: Yeah.
H: It looks good, I like it.
C: Hey
Claudia looks at Elise
Elise: Hi Claudia
Claudia sets her brown bag with a tall boy inside of it on the counter.
C: Do you have any nail polish?
E: No we don't, sorry.
C: Oh.
E: Did you try the beauty supply store on Del Mar?
C: Ehh they mumbles
E: Oh, okay, maybe try CVS.
C: Some places don't let me in.
H: Why not?
C: Because they're crazy
E: Well maybe someone can buy it for you there.
C: Bye
H & E: Bye Claudia.
Claudia: Hi
H: Did you get a hair cut?
C: Yeah.
H: It looks good, I like it.
C: Hey
Claudia looks at Elise
Elise: Hi Claudia
Claudia sets her brown bag with a tall boy inside of it on the counter.
C: Do you have any nail polish?
E: No we don't, sorry.
C: Oh.
E: Did you try the beauty supply store on Del Mar?
C: Ehh they mumbles
E: Oh, okay, maybe try CVS.
C: Some places don't let me in.
H: Why not?
C: Because they're crazy
E: Well maybe someone can buy it for you there.
C: Bye
H & E: Bye Claudia.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Hello Existence.
Dear Stranger,
I would like to thank you...
Thank you for coming into my store, and meeting me half way. Thank you for taking my hand and my heart and my head, for just a moment. Thank you for tickling my brain. I hope I tickled your brain, too.
For just the few moments that we were in each others minds, I saw the whole universe being born, and it was beautiful.
So thank you stranger, I know that I will never see you again, and that is okay, because you gave me an amazing gift.
-Elise Streeter
I would like to thank you...
Thank you for coming into my store, and meeting me half way. Thank you for taking my hand and my heart and my head, for just a moment. Thank you for tickling my brain. I hope I tickled your brain, too.
For just the few moments that we were in each others minds, I saw the whole universe being born, and it was beautiful.
So thank you stranger, I know that I will never see you again, and that is okay, because you gave me an amazing gift.
-Elise Streeter
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friendship.
Love is this amazing thing. Sometimes, well, most times, I don't even understand it. I just feel it. It radiates through out my whole body. It tickles me inside and I can't help but laugh out loud.
Love is constantly growing, and it is incredible when, all of the sudden, you just realize how much bigger it is today compared to yesterday, or last year.
Friendship is the ultimate love to me. With friends, most of the time, it is a purely emotional love, there is not that physical love that you would have with a 'lover'. The emotional love is so much harder to have, I think. It takes a lot more effort, but at the same time is so effortless.
I feel this love more and more everyday. I wish I could describe it, but I don't think I can do the feeling justice.
It's amazing to have the same friends for so long, and you always knew you were friends, but all of the sudden one day, you realize, "WOW! I love this person. I want to stay their friend forever." I just want to hug them, and laugh with them. Laugh with them and love them.
With all of my friends, I have known the majority of them for a long time, well long for me, (I haven't lived here long enough to have actual childhood friends) and I am realizing now, 5, 7, even 9 years later, that I am in love with them.
Mind you this isn't some creepy stalker love where I fantasize about them at home or something, it is a platonic love that I feel for all of them.
I don't really know where this is all going, I guess I just wanted to try and explain the amazing feeling I get thinking about or being with my friends. And how truly happy they make me, with all their quirks and pitfalls and qualities and skills, and the love that they unknowingly radiate!
Love is constantly growing, and it is incredible when, all of the sudden, you just realize how much bigger it is today compared to yesterday, or last year.
Friendship is the ultimate love to me. With friends, most of the time, it is a purely emotional love, there is not that physical love that you would have with a 'lover'. The emotional love is so much harder to have, I think. It takes a lot more effort, but at the same time is so effortless.
I feel this love more and more everyday. I wish I could describe it, but I don't think I can do the feeling justice.
It's amazing to have the same friends for so long, and you always knew you were friends, but all of the sudden one day, you realize, "WOW! I love this person. I want to stay their friend forever." I just want to hug them, and laugh with them. Laugh with them and love them.
With all of my friends, I have known the majority of them for a long time, well long for me, (I haven't lived here long enough to have actual childhood friends) and I am realizing now, 5, 7, even 9 years later, that I am in love with them.
Mind you this isn't some creepy stalker love where I fantasize about them at home or something, it is a platonic love that I feel for all of them.
I don't really know where this is all going, I guess I just wanted to try and explain the amazing feeling I get thinking about or being with my friends. And how truly happy they make me, with all their quirks and pitfalls and qualities and skills, and the love that they unknowingly radiate!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
...
I wake up early
I get ready for work
I think about the happenings of last night
and I laugh.
I cannot stop laughing.
This is a good sign.
I get ready for work
I think about the happenings of last night
and I laugh.
I cannot stop laughing.
This is a good sign.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Grey/Gray
Something has been slowly brewing on the stove, and has gone bad. It does not smell good. Even the weather has noticed it: cold and cloudy and grey. Grey in the sense of the smell, bland, not like a cold winter's day that smells like winter, no, the air smells like sadness. And for once, it is not my own sadness that I smell.
Love is simple. So simple that it is difficult. There are two kinds of love. Emotional/physical love, the one we all usually feel, and then there is the spiritual love. This last love is much different. It is the unconditional love that we have for everything and everyone. It is constantly flowing through us. It is not the love we feel from "being in love" it is the love that JUST IS.
I have learned of this love over the past year. My ego has been put aside and I have looked within. Granted, someone helped me see this love, but they are not the reason for it, nor did they know what they were helping me with.
Loving someone is an amazing feeling, but feeling love even when that person is no longer there is even more amazing.
I know he loves/loved me. And I love him, too. But more than that emotional/physical love I feel for/from him, I AM love.
When you can shut your mind off and completely follow your heart, you will be amazed at what it is telling you.
Why would your spiritual heart tell you something so different than your mind? And why wouldn't you follow your heart over your ego? The heart knows what it needs, what it wants, what it is. Your head is just there to fuck it all up, make you take a different path and then you hurt over your decisions.
Life is this amazing gift we are given, and it should not be wasted THINKING about what you might do with it, but instead just doing it. Head vs. Heart
JUST BE and BE LOVE.
Love is simple. So simple that it is difficult. There are two kinds of love. Emotional/physical love, the one we all usually feel, and then there is the spiritual love. This last love is much different. It is the unconditional love that we have for everything and everyone. It is constantly flowing through us. It is not the love we feel from "being in love" it is the love that JUST IS.
I have learned of this love over the past year. My ego has been put aside and I have looked within. Granted, someone helped me see this love, but they are not the reason for it, nor did they know what they were helping me with.
Loving someone is an amazing feeling, but feeling love even when that person is no longer there is even more amazing.
I know he loves/loved me. And I love him, too. But more than that emotional/physical love I feel for/from him, I AM love.
When you can shut your mind off and completely follow your heart, you will be amazed at what it is telling you.
Why would your spiritual heart tell you something so different than your mind? And why wouldn't you follow your heart over your ego? The heart knows what it needs, what it wants, what it is. Your head is just there to fuck it all up, make you take a different path and then you hurt over your decisions.
Life is this amazing gift we are given, and it should not be wasted THINKING about what you might do with it, but instead just doing it. Head vs. Heart
JUST BE and BE LOVE.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Lauren Valladares Quote of the Day.
This one isn't a quote, but a beautiful picture of Lauren, taken last week during the rain.
She was going to get her lunch and didn't want to get wet!
FYI: the hood is made out of extra trash bag from the bottom.
Lauren is so clever.
She was going to get her lunch and didn't want to get wet!
FYI: the hood is made out of extra trash bag from the bottom.
Lauren is so clever.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A sigh of relief.
I feel good.
I can honestly say that I am happy.
I wake up and smile again. No more anxiety at the first breath of day. No more feeling of complete emptiness.
I still miss him, very much actually, but I am very happy without him. I do not wake up thinking "That was a horrible dream... oh wait, that wasn't a dream, that really happened".
Somehow, a page was turned, and I didn't realize it until just now.
I guess it's a good thing that it happened so seamlessly, because I don't know how accepting I would have been had I known it was happening.
But I am happy. And I feel good.
I can honestly say that I am happy.
I wake up and smile again. No more anxiety at the first breath of day. No more feeling of complete emptiness.
I still miss him, very much actually, but I am very happy without him. I do not wake up thinking "That was a horrible dream... oh wait, that wasn't a dream, that really happened".
Somehow, a page was turned, and I didn't realize it until just now.
I guess it's a good thing that it happened so seamlessly, because I don't know how accepting I would have been had I known it was happening.
But I am happy. And I feel good.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
MAMMOTH.
Some friends and I are going to Mammoth in a couple of days and I can't wait. It has been a little over a year since I last went up there, or went skiing in general!
Today, however, I was thinking about it, and this time going to Mammoth, will be the first time I will go WITHOUT Tim.
I have never been to Mammoth without him, or skiing in the United States without him, for that matter.
I am really excited, and nervous about this. I know that I will have an amazing time with al my friends, that is for sure. But I am kind of sad that I won't have my ski buddy with me.
Oh well, this is the time for me to experience new things, and make new ski buddies ;] Lauren and Dana!
Here is a picture from my last ski trip to Mammoth with Tim.
Today, however, I was thinking about it, and this time going to Mammoth, will be the first time I will go WITHOUT Tim.
I have never been to Mammoth without him, or skiing in the United States without him, for that matter.
I am really excited, and nervous about this. I know that I will have an amazing time with al my friends, that is for sure. But I am kind of sad that I won't have my ski buddy with me.
Oh well, this is the time for me to experience new things, and make new ski buddies ;] Lauren and Dana!
Here is a picture from my last ski trip to Mammoth with Tim.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sanity, do not leave me.
As I count the endless minutes down here in this dungeon called SC-2, I contemplate suicide. This solitary confinement in here is worse than the deepest depths of Mordor. Actually, no, I would rather be on some journey risking my life in the darkest parts surrounding Mt. Doom, than here standing alone waiting for my sanity to slowly slip out through my ears like a ribbon of smoke gracefully flipping me the bird.
People walk by and see the sadness that is ME behind the counter and say to themselves, "maybe we'll come back later..." and so I am left alone. Alone with thoughts I would rather never think, but have no choice in the matter.
I try to imagine myself doing something else.
I try to daydream...
I am on a journey sailing around the world with all of my friends, or maybe I am taking a nap under the sun in the park, or flying a kite, shit, I would settle for just being up at the other store right now having some bullshit conversation about hooking up with some boy.
But no.
Obviously someone out there wants me to suffer. Suffer a slow and painful day, that will lead to sore feet and a tight back and maybe even some tears.
In six hours, when I can finally give the big FUCK YOU to my 10-6 shift and go home, I will be so void of any emotion that my evening will not even be worth staying awake for.
The only positive thought I can think of is that I only have two more days in the month of January that I have endure this pain down here at SC-2.
End Note: I do not really hate my job, in fact, for a job in a retail store, I shouldn't be complaining. Just being alone at a very slow store for eight hours can be a mind fuck. I have learned many things about myself, like the fact that I will never kill a man in a very violent manner, because I know I could not handle solitary confinement in a HIGH security prison!
Also, I am not suicidal. I only feel that death may be more pleasant than this shift, some times.
People walk by and see the sadness that is ME behind the counter and say to themselves, "maybe we'll come back later..." and so I am left alone. Alone with thoughts I would rather never think, but have no choice in the matter.
I try to imagine myself doing something else.
I try to daydream...
I am on a journey sailing around the world with all of my friends, or maybe I am taking a nap under the sun in the park, or flying a kite, shit, I would settle for just being up at the other store right now having some bullshit conversation about hooking up with some boy.
But no.
Obviously someone out there wants me to suffer. Suffer a slow and painful day, that will lead to sore feet and a tight back and maybe even some tears.
In six hours, when I can finally give the big FUCK YOU to my 10-6 shift and go home, I will be so void of any emotion that my evening will not even be worth staying awake for.
The only positive thought I can think of is that I only have two more days in the month of January that I have endure this pain down here at SC-2.
End Note: I do not really hate my job, in fact, for a job in a retail store, I shouldn't be complaining. Just being alone at a very slow store for eight hours can be a mind fuck. I have learned many things about myself, like the fact that I will never kill a man in a very violent manner, because I know I could not handle solitary confinement in a HIGH security prison!
Also, I am not suicidal. I only feel that death may be more pleasant than this shift, some times.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The hardest days.
What is a hard day?
I think that if I were to define a hard day, I would have to say a hard day is a day where I am stuck doing something semi-stimulating while thinking of all the fun and amazing, not to mention stimulating, things I COULD be doing instead.
For example: Today, I am at work, at the lower store, which can get a little lonely and very slow. Do not get me wrong, I enjoy my job, somewhat, but when everyone else is talking about all the fun things I could be doing with them, I struggle. If I had no clue what was going on in the outside world,I would have no problem surviving work, but instead, I am hear, hating my day, wishing I could be somewhere else, doing something else.
It is not a physically challenging day, but my mind is in a state of peril.
I think that if I were to define a hard day, I would have to say a hard day is a day where I am stuck doing something semi-stimulating while thinking of all the fun and amazing, not to mention stimulating, things I COULD be doing instead.
For example: Today, I am at work, at the lower store, which can get a little lonely and very slow. Do not get me wrong, I enjoy my job, somewhat, but when everyone else is talking about all the fun things I could be doing with them, I struggle. If I had no clue what was going on in the outside world,I would have no problem surviving work, but instead, I am hear, hating my day, wishing I could be somewhere else, doing something else.
It is not a physically challenging day, but my mind is in a state of peril.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The New Year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
The welcoming of the new year was spent lazily, but in good company of course.
Thank You: Lauren, Dana.
The welcoming of the new year was spent lazily, but in good company of course.
Thank You: Lauren, Dana.
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