Warmth in the Cold.

As the cold, evening breezes bring the smell of approaching winter, I do not feel cold. I do not shiver or hold myself to keep warm.
In fact, I feel cozy and summery inside. For some reason a smile appears on my face and I can't help but feel happy.

I worried that the memories tied with the cold air will make me sad. I do feel sad, sometimes. I also feel happy. Thinking about the memories tied with the temperature makes me happy. The thought of new memories tied with this cold, nearing season also makes me happy.

Winter has always been my season. I shared it with Tim, just like I shared it with others.

"Summer is only Winter with You" -Pinback
I have always thought that others made winter so special for me. But I am winter and I am the joy I have come to know with the season. It's not from the person I am sharing it with. I am learning that I am the one who IS joy in winter, everyone else is the lucky bystander.

As I dread the days to come, I am also excited and anxious to see what they hold for me.

The cold weather will always act as a blanket of comfort to me.

I feel like Cody.

Of all I knew
I held too few
And would you stop me?
If I tried to stop you?

Old songs stay 'til the end
Sad songs remind me of friends
And the way it is, I could leave it all
And I ask myself, would you care at all

When I drive alone at night, I see the streetlights as fairgrounds
And I tried a hundred times to see the road signs as Day-Glo

Old songs stay 'til the end
Sad songs remind me of friends
And the way it is, I could leave it all
And I ask myself, would you care at all

-Cody by Mogwai


Delta 100

Trying Times.

It is so amazing to me how emotionally trying my life is right now. I have never looked so deep within MYSELF.

It is strange because solitude usually inspires my creativity, but I don't feel even the tiniest drop of inspiration flowing in my veins these days. For the first time in my whole life I feel very lost.

I don't feel like my life will ever get to where I want it. I have all of these amazing dreams for myself, and yet, for some strange reason, I fear they will only ever stay dreams.

The colors are much brighter these days, but they don't mean anything to me anymore.
The radio seems to always know what mood I'm in, and I am starting to resent it. "Please just play a happy song for me now!" I say to the radio. "Actually, please just make me forget everything I have ever known to be love and happiness, if you can do that, then you can play all the sad songs you choose!"

Oh, but Elise, you will be fine. You are so strong. You are so positive.
Yes, I know, but I am human, and I am struggling with being all of these things you say that I am, right now.

I AM struggling.
This is new to me, and I am unsure how to handle it.
All I know, somehow, means nothing anymore. I have all new things to learn and am so overwhelmed.

I am trying.

THESE TIMES ARE TRYING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Today, October 26th, 2010, is my friend Timothy Hawkins' 21st birthday!
He is one of the most amazing people I have ever known and because the Universe decided for him to be born on this day, it is a great day!



Timothy, Happy Birthday!
I love you very very much.

KARMA where are you?

I don't think there is such a thing as KARMA any more.
I think people just keep talking about it so that YOU will do what they want and YOU will be good to them and YOU will be a safe driver and a good lover and make lots of sacrifices for the people, but the people don't really plan on returning the favors. The world doesn't really want to help you out in return.

There is no such thing as KARMA.

I might as well take a vow of charity and all of those other vows that monks and nuns take.
And since it is ugly to be jealous and bitter, I will just keep all of these thoughts in my own head and keep appeasing the ones who I care about, even though, they will never appease me.

A sacrifice is a difficult thing to make, but I have learned to just accept the hardship and make the damned sacrifice so all the babies of the world won't drown me with their tears of selfishness.

I AM HAPPY?

Personali-WHO?

My good friend JR is an awesome photographer, and he is doing this really cool photo project right now. He is taking pictures of all his friends, but kinda as if they were their personality. At least that's how I interpret the collection. The collection isn't done, but so far it's awesome.

So, I found out about all of this coolness while I was on my trip. My friend Simone, in Santa Cruz, was on Facebook and saw all the pictures. I was kinda bummed, though, because I didn't think I would get to partake, since I was out of town, but sure enough, JR wanted to take my picture, too!

Now, the problem was how to depict my personality. What is my personality, anyways?
Do I do the maternal idea of Susie-home-maker, or do I do the tom-boy/armpit hair idea?



Well JR decided: "hey, why not both!"
So we came up with the idea that half of me would be feminine and the other half masculine.
Our friend Heike did my make up, and I had two outfits to wear: a dress and an apron for the mommish picture, and a greased up wife-beater for the tom-boy picture. And on top of the two outfits, I made an apple pie to hold in one picture and I brought a wrench for the other. After JR took the girly picture and the tom-boy picture, he cut the two in half and pasted them together using cool technology that I don't understand.



The picture turned out really cool. It's kind of really creepy but it is exactly how I imagined it would be.


Photo credit: JR Racine, duh!