Andy

To my brother Andy,

Thank you.

Thank you for being there for the good times and the bad times.
It is rare that you meet someone and instantly know that they will be in your life for a very long time, but with you, I knew right away. A soul mate in my book.
You have the biggest heart of anyone I know and the love just pours out around you. It is strange not having you in my home anymore. The little layer of Andyness is no longer present, but I know you are out there beaming light everywhere you go. Those little Venezuelans are in for a real treat.

You inspired my new found interest for Southern culture and food, and the concept of family was reborn when I met you. If I ever get stuck living in the South, I know I can blame you.

Thank you for always being just a phone call away when I was hurt or scared or feeling low. And thank you for bringing out Alice. I hadn't let go and gone nuts like her in a very long time and it was great.
Thank you for your physical expressions of joy and craziness. The night with the swimming pool and bowl of dog water will forever be one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
Thank you for always making me laugh. Thank you for seeing things like I see them, without you, I might have lost it completely.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for giant scoops of ice cream and Hugh Grant movies. Thank you for whiskey and weed and coffee and cigarettes. Thank you for Pine State in bed for days on end. Thank you for Jen, and Eric, and your parents, and Trippe, and Robyn, and everyone else.

Thank you for looking out for me.
Thank you for letting me love you! You are a great friend and I am so lucky to know you.

Good luck Brother.

IDK

Life is pretty much a bunch of choices. Options for you to choose from. Every single day is a choice. A fork in the road. A decision waiting to be made. A fucking shmorgishborg every God damned morning.

But what about the things we cannot have an opinion on. We can't choose either left or right. What about when we have no option. When our hearts are tellings us one thing, and one thing only. 

I know that I can tell myself to conform to my feelings, or stray away. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try to talk/think yourself out of a path, a choice, a decision, you can't. In reality you had no say in the matter. This one thing was chosen for you. Something in the air, in the sky, within your self, deep down, it was already engraved in stone. There is no avoiding this one. What do you do then?

Sometimes the path leads to something, or someone, that you never expected. At this point we have a few options, because we always have options. Do we succumb to this predetermined outcome, or do we fight it? It becomes a very difficult situation. The choice, at this point, becomes somewhat, and for some odd reason, more crucial than any other choice you have ever made, because avoiding your feelings, or trying to convince yourself you feel any different than you really do can be very painful, and stupid because most of the time it causes more trouble, anxiety, pain, or whatever, than you originally wanted. 

Or there is the other option... to embrace the feelings that are coming through, go forth with this predetermined direction and hope for the best. Swallow your pride, do not fear what you do not know, and just do it. 

"When you bite your tongue, all you get is a mouth full of blood"

-The Fruit Bats

If your heart is telling you something, is it true? 

WTF

If I just sit here and type will the right words come out? I don't want to write anymore... even rants. I know this will turn into a rant about ranting and writing as most of my posts do, but the inspiration to rant in type has fled my fingertips. I have a lot to say, don't get me wrong. I am just unsure how to put it down.

I am conflicted in this little genius brain of mine. I am very happy, as I usually am. But there is also this feeling inside and its telling me to bite something very hard or scream out so loud "FUUUUUUCK". Like there is this tension or rage within and I am at a loss for expression. It could be that I am not doing shit with my life right now besides scraping by. But at the moment I have no immediate goals or plans so I am just sailing by with no real intention of doing anything. And it is driving me CRAZY!
I feel like I end up wanting to mother everyone around me. And not in the nagging annoying mom way, but in the "oh let me help you with that child, I see you are tired and useless so let me do all of your chores", and "oh are you hungry? Let me feed you, and don't worry about the dishes, I will clean them, too." Which is not good... all of the time. But I also have no desire to clean the house, or my room, or anything. Which is very strange since I am a huge fan of the therapeutic house chores.
Another problem with a life of no responsibilities is that I am constantly needing/wanting company. Usually in a non-clingy, breast-feeding baby way, but there are those random, once in a Blue Moon days where I get reeeeeeeaaaaally needy. But fortunately the people in my life don't seem to mind. Mainly because we all get needy and it happens to fall on the same day! Which works out in everyones favor.

I am also falling in love with everyone. and not the "Oh, Elise, she loves everyone, she's got the biggest heart, what a great friend" type way. It's in the "Oh I like you and want to date you and love on you" way. Which isn't really how I am feeling, it's just my way of being a psycho! But don't worry, I keep all these feelings, for the most art, to myself. Which doesn't make matters any easier, since I am bottling up all of these thoughts and feelings that I don't even think are real, and are actually just stupid fantasies that pop into my very under-stimulated brain.

Things I have done to try and keep my brain and body busy and some what stimulated:
-Growing a vegetable garden. Which entails me being observant and constantly trying to make it a happy garden so we can reap the benefits of free veggies. Water and sunshine and smiles make yummy salads.
-Having plants in my room. Plants which also need constant care and attention and water and love and the exact right amount of sunlight and warmth and blah blah blah.
-A job. I work two days a week, 17.5 hours a week, at a flower shop, which I love. And I get to be around flowers and plants, which I love, and I do get to stretch my brain and get creative, and also help my boss build her business by offering great ideas to boost the shop's income! But again, it is only two days a week. So what the fuck do I do the other five days a week? No fucking clue. When I try and think about what I did, I can't remember.

I do plan on going back to school! I swear I will. I love school and learning, but it's always so hard going back after taking what I like to call a sabbatical, even though I am not a teacher, and I am not getting paid to not be in school. But I do feel like the time off helps me for when I go back, because by the time I go back I am so eager to learn and be back in the school system that I do better than ever before and even more motivated than before. So yes I am on unpaid sabbatical at this moment. I will return to school in the fall to study God knows what, and it will be awesome.

And by then I will not be so worthless and secretly psycho... I hope.

Wow, for someone who didn't want to write or rant I sure did a good job.

Loser.

Please don't let me wake up. This dream life is too good!

It has been a while since I have actually sat down and put any thought into my thoughts and feelings. I am doing very well, I suppose. I have a job, I have friends, the weather is getting warmer, but there is still a hole inside and I can't seem to find how to fill it. I am missing something and I can't quite put my finger on it. It is strange because as I am cheerful and in a good mood the majority of the time, I am still on the verge of numbness. Like I am so comfortable I could just cuddle up in a ball and cry... Or sleep. I miss my friends. I miss sports. I miss a full-time job. I miss being loved. But I AM happy up here. And I am doing so much better than I could have ever imagined. For once in my life, I am completely stress free! It's incredible.

I am feeling really good about my new life so far. Things are definitely different for me: New home, new car, new people, hopefully a new job soon.

It is so exciting to me. And for some reason, I am not panicking at all, which is so unlike me, because I usually have a plan.

But Portland is treating me well, or I should say, I am treating myself well in Portland.

Friends are cool.

To have someone constantly around is nice.

I have been lacking good company for some time.
I don't mean I haven't had people around, but I do miss having that person who just wants to sit and be lazy with you so you don't have to go it alone.

I'm sure I was not first pick for a partner in inactivity, but I make do.

Not being the one to ask "what should we do next?" is actually really nice. I love getting to answer that question... with "Shit I don't know, let's go have fun doing something, somewhere!!!"