Heavy head. Heavy heart.


I need to stay strong.

I can do it!!!

Things to look forward to:
-Dinners
-Homework
-Free time?
-Running
-Soccer
-Breakfast
-School
-Lunch
-PORTLAND!


“With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?”

- Oscar Wilde

California King.

I wish I had a giant bed, so we could all sleep together.


Sleeping alone is one of the worst kinds of lonely.

I don't know why people feel the need to spend more time alone the older they get.
Remember when you were little and you wanted to spend every second with your friends, and you beg to have a sleep over so you could be together for a little longer.
Now it seems like people don't want any human contact unless it is for work or sex, and that is sad.


Come to my house, sit with me. Lets share a bed, or at least a room. And not because we are too drunk to drive home, but because we are too tired to drive home and we are enjoying our company.

I used to get a stomach ache when my friends had to leave, or I had to leave them... A little secret, I still get that stomach ache.

I'm not saying I cannot be alone, but when I am with people and I like being with them, I don't want it to stop!

Yes!

Strangers

I have fallen in love with a stranger again.
I know I will never see him again, but that's okay. The moment was enough.

He smelled really good and earthy, and was very calm in nature, and he was kind.
He also got my favorite smoothie from next door!

Sometimes I miss being in love, and other times, a moment is all I need.

Thank you stranger.

Things I think about.

Things I thought about today:

-I am very happy right now. I am usually happy, but am not always aware of it.
-I tell people I love them all the time, but not a lot of people say it to me.
-I saw Tim in his classroom today and smiled as I walked away, to this day he is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. I look at who I am now and I am thankful I knew him!
-School was worrying me, but I am back on top of my studies, so I am relieved.
-I also miss my bottle collection, but am unsure if it is rude to ask for it back.

My thoughts.


And now a quote from my favorite person to quote, Mark Twain:

"I never let my schooling interfere with my education"

Ay Ay Ay.

I have so many things going through my head right now that I can't even focus on what things I am thinking about.

I have been so busy, and it has, so far, been a good thing. I have been able to do all the things I am requiring myself to do, and I am not too overwhelmed... Until tonight.

I have been working two jobs, 16 hour days on the weekends, and managing a full load of classes, along with staying active (soccer and running).

I finally cleaned my room this morning before work... kinda. So that's one thing off my list of things to do. But driving home from soccer (which I left for straight from work) I realized a few things: first thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to go home, at home I will be all alone while everyone else in my house sleeps and I will just sit there alone", the second thought that popped into my head was "I do not want to sleep alone, yet another night, sleeping without someone in the same room is very sad and hard for me to do and I wish I had a literal roommate" The third thought that popped into my head was "SHIT I have homework due tomorrow"

Now that I am home and opened up my assignment, the SHIT is even bigger, because it's a two page mini research/opinion paper that I have not done any work for and have no evidence to back any B.S. up with. So basically it is going to be a half assed paper. And on top of that I am wasting time typing on this stupid thing instead of looking up what I should be writing about.


I know that I am busy for a good reason, and I am really happy about the things to come, but I am very lonely in this quest, and I don't do so well lonely.

I always say there is a difference between loneliness and solitude, and right now I am most definitely lonely. I do hope all of this hard work will pay off.





PS. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and realized I look much older than I remember myself looking, and that made me sad. I am taking too long to do the things I want to do while I am still young.



Added notes: I thought I was done, but I am not done. It's funny, whenever I have a paper to write, I have the worst writers block for what I have to write, but then i just write on this shit blog to take my mind of homework for a second and the thoughts/words spew like food poisoning vomit. Why can't I think of the right words for a paper, that I actually am interested in?


OKAY OKAY... time to write my paper.

Hmmm.

It has been a while. But there isn't much to say. I am happy and busy. Hope to stay this way.