two be free.

To be torn in two directions...

Confusion fills my heart, and my head: one side of me chooses to be with nature, and solitude, and organic movement through arts and crafts, and music. The other side of me chooses constant company, constant recklessness, constant catering, constant comfort.

I try to imagine a balance, a cohesive mixture between the two, but the image that I see in my head is just a giant cluster of unhappy children being forced in a direction they don't wish to go.

If I am to truly speak what I want to see in my mind, I get scared, scared that if I say my dreams out loud, they will fall farther away from my reach then before.



...just let me take you all away, let me take you to a magical place where life is perfect and we are all there together in love.

MY FAVORITE PERSON'S BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN VALLADARES!

22 years young, 22 years amazing, 22 years beautiful, 22 years creative, 22 years funny, 22 years stinky, 22 years horny.

I love you so much!

Lonely Hearts Club.

I think that I am lonely.

I do not want to be apart from my friends.
They make me laugh, and smile, and think about things, but when the fun has to end, I get sad.

Mark Twain said "The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself"
But I am comfortable with myself.

I just enjoy being in the company of the people I love. Even if we aren't doing anything. I just feel all warm and fuzzy when I am with them.

I hate Sundays, and not because Mondays bring with them work and school, but because they bring work and school to others, so we can't all be together like we were over the weekend.

I wish we all lived in a giant house together. So that I could wake up and smile knowing that when I get out of my room, I might run into someone in the hall way on my way to the bathroom and giggle at them for wearing stupid pajamas, or I could go downstairs and make someone breakfast. Or I could sit down and do homework across the table from someone else doing homework, or I could sit on the couch and watch a funny video on the internet with someone and we could both crack up, and then share it with everyone else we live with throughout the day, and then laugh at it for the following days. I wish I could just be a door away from love and laughs and fights and looks and smiles and tears and tension and everything in between. I wish I was a door away from being with people who don't need me to explain myself, and I don't need them to explain themselves. We just are friends and we know that we are all in love and that life is good when we are together.

When I think of things like this, I just get bummed that it isn't my reality.

Here's a secret: I love waking up cold on the floor, after a night of drinking and fun, and looking over to whoever is passed out on the couch and just laughing. And I can't wait for them to wake up so we can both be awake and giddy with friendship together. It is one of my favorite things.

I am so afraid of growing up, because I don't think that these things will ever happen then. Everyone will have their own lives that don't include the same friendships that our lives hold now.

Please, can we all stay in our 20's with no real responsibilities forever. Can we be friends like this forever. Please.

If I could sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads, I think I would.

Ceramics and a Couple of Questions.

I do not think you are one bit interested in me anymore... I am relieved.

Sorry.

ART.

All of these are by Carrie Chau. She is one of my favorite artists. Her paintings make me smile, and they remind me of my childhood with all of the fantasy, innocence, and anxieties that come with being young.

In an Aeroplane.

I know that we are free. Free to live our lives and free to be ourselves. But for the longest time, I did not want to be free from you. I wanted to love and be committed to you for as long as my heart was pumping.
I still love you, but now, I can love you freely. A love I have never given you.
I now know that I no longer WANT you. What I want is for you to be happy in your life. What I want is for me to be happy in my life.
I have fully let you go and it is the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. Whether you feel it, whether you notice it, I am free from you.


I am HAPPY! I am LOVE! I am FREE!




"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all"
-Neutral Milk Hotel.

A Conversation with CLAUDIA.

Haleigh: Hi Claudia
Claudia: Hi
H: Did you get a hair cut?
C: Yeah.
H: It looks good, I like it.
C: Hey
Claudia looks at Elise
Elise: Hi Claudia
Claudia sets her brown bag with a tall boy inside of it on the counter.
C: Do you have any nail polish?
E: No we don't, sorry.
C: Oh.
E: Did you try the beauty supply store on Del Mar?
C: Ehh they mumbles
E: Oh, okay, maybe try CVS.
C: Some places don't let me in.
H: Why not?
C: Because they're crazy
E: Well maybe someone can buy it for you there.
C: Bye
H & E: Bye Claudia.